stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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