All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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