how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
