You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
