It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
