do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
