i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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