i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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