everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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