i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
