Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
now i know why i became what i already was.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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