i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
