I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
