A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
