you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
