if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
