It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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