I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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