My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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