hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
