ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You can't motorboat a personality
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
