so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
