I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
