When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
