kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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