You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
