What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
