I like to think it a success when the cops are called
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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