I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
