Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Randomize
