Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
