Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
