remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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