Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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