Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
