So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
