Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
