There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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