if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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