god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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