I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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