I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
