I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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