My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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