Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
