You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
