I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
