I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
