haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
