he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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