i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize