my phone needs a breathalizer
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
