nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
