someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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