Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm like, not good at living.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
