I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i now understand why vodka
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
