I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
