maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
