I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
