I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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