I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
