life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
