well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
