I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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